The Doors of Stone and Everything Else We Want

You heard it here first, folks! Patrick Rothfuss, acclaimed fantasy writer and full-grown garden gnome, has announced The Doors of Stone will be released in physical and eBook format tomorrow. Apparently, the long-awaited novel has been finished for years, with Rothfuss delaying publication to build up fan anticipation for his work.

“Yeah, this book was finished by like 2014,” says Rothfuss, whose gnome beard is now longer than he is tall, in response to questions. “I just didn’t want to be one of those boring writers pushing out books every other year. Who wants that? I figured a nine year wait would be the perfect amount of time to stack fan expectations so impossibly high that I could never reasonably satisfy them. Plus I had a bunch of friend’s Dungeons and Dragons podcasts to guest spot on, and that felt more important than my writing.”

That manuscript hasn’t been simply sitting idle either, don’t you worry. Rothfuss has heard the fan response to his books and their common criticisms. He has added hundreds of pages of Kvothe having vividly descriptive sex with the Felurian. “This new section is completely unrelated to the main story,” Rothfuss bragged while scouring the garden he’d been placed in to protect. “Just unrealistic, over-described sex. Exactly what I have always wanted to write since I was fourteen and found someone’s erotic LOTR fanfiction in the woods.”

Denna, Kvothe’s love interest from the series, is getting tweaked in the new release as well, in response to many fan comments. “I’m making her even more deliberately mysterious and wishy-washy than before,” the author beamed, picking crumbs out of his beard and adjusting his pointy hat. “She will be described like she is nothing less than an angel sent to earth, so impossibly gorgeous and perfect to Kvothe that all readers will be made vaguely uncomfortable. And then she’ll flit away again for no reason at all, just like I know everyone wants.”

The Doors of Stone will be released on April 2nd, 2020.

“Or if it’s not,” Rothfuss reminded this reporter, as he waited for night to fall so he could come fully alive. “You only have to wait another year for the 10th anniversary edition of The Wise Man’s Fear, which will have a cool cover and no additional material.”

In other fantasy news, Brandon Sanderson has recently returned to his Utah home after a week-long visit with George RR Martin in New Mexico. Sanderson says he learned a lot at the feet of the famous novelist. “George made me understand that I need to go out and enjoy life more. Drink some coffee. Guest star in Sharknado. I’m spending too much time writing and I’m taking down the timer-thing on my website.”

On the other side of the pond, Joe Abercrombie has promised to tone down the violence and the pragmatic if depressing worldview in his books. “I’m so dreadfully sorry if I ever distressed a single one of my lovely, precious readers with my dark depiction of humanity as it truly exists. I’ve been seeing a therapist and he has allowed me to come to the realization that all I really want to write are happy Middle Grade books about the infinite potential of innocent children and how everything works out in the end if you just believe hard enough.”

JK Rowling has sworn to never stop tweeting about anything and everything, especially if it involves tweaking the underlying canon of her famous Harry Potter series.

NK Jemisin has apologized for her The Broken Earth trilogy winning every genre award invented and promises to never again write such a unique world filled with relatable and underrepresented characters. “It’s all white guys all the time for me now,” she said, “and I’ll never write anything that wasn’t already invented by Tolkien. Never again.”

Terry Pratchett and Kurt Vonnegut have risen from the dead to tell their readers none of the books they wrote were intended as comedies. “It was all serious,” Pratchett said, bewildered. “Sentient, carnivorous luggage is a plight that affects us all.” He shook his head. “Poo-tee-weet,” added Vonnegut, without humor. They plan to collaborate on a 2000 page historical fiction novel about the Black Death in medieval Europe. “There won’t be a single joke or humorous aside in the whole thing,” Vonnegut boasted.

Game of Thrones season 8 will be entirely re-shot from the perspective of the Sand Snakes.

The New Mutants release date has been pushed back again.

Happy April 1st.